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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  December 10, 2015 10:34pm-11:37pm CST

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>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- chris hemsworth, jim gaffigan, musical guest jamie lawson, and featururg the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 385, salt lake!
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jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: th's one of the bebe. awe. one of the best feelings ever. i love it. i love that. that makes me feel good. that's the type of audience you want. [ cheers and applause ] this is what you need. great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody. you made it. this is "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] "the tonight show," you're here. oh, it's going to be a great show tonight. you guys, weweave the very funny jim gaffigan here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: that's right.
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in america that donald trump actually calls too white. [ laughter ] yeah, it's just a little bit -- yeah. that's right. trump continues to be the big story, everybody. and i saw that after his recent comments about muslims, donald trump was fired as a a global ambassador fofo scotland. [ light laughter ] which is ironic, because if there ever was a human version of bagpipes, it's donald trump. i mean that's -- it just kind of fits perfect. [ laughter and a alause ] i would -- no. [ imitating bagpipes ] which note are we starting on? [ imitating bagpipes ] hey man, you got a good vibe. you can play. come on, man. [ imitating bagpipes ] all right, forget it. a middle eastern retail chain called lifestyle announced that it's pulling donald trump's home decor products from its shelves. but i guess they'll still be available at that other store, hate and barrel. [ laughter ] yoyocan get them there.. or at huge wall-mart.
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[ laughter ] of course, donald trump has been leading the polls for months now, but many have had a a hard time figuring out exactly who's supporting him. well, cnn just released some interviews with self-proclaimed trump supporters this week. so listen to what one of them had to say. >> when the pundits and the experts anall the people who are supposed to be in the know and know all this stuff and they're so great, i know some of them, maybe not all, but some of them are lying to me. [ ughter ] it's like the prince and the dragon. you know, herere trump, you know, wielding his sword and you've got this huge flippin' machine of a dragon coming after him. who do you think the people are gonna getting behind? i'm telling you,u,e says what i'm thinking. [ laughter ] >> steve: ho! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sure. even trump was like, "security." [ laughter ] then he's like, "could you hold
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[ applause ] i saw that hillary clinton told "people" magazine that her granddaughter called her grandma for the first time on the same night as the first democratic debate. [ audience aws ] and hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "this is my night, not yours. [ laughter ] pick your moments. pick your moments!" and in his interview with "people" magazaze, bernie sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him grandpa bern. [ laughter ] sounds less like a term of condition. [ laughter ] "you got grandpa burn, that's why it hurts when you pee. [ laughter ] it's very common in men your age." some more political news, the senate voted in a bill that overhauls much of the no child left behind act so that the federal government has less responsibility. so instead of being called the no child left behind, it's now called "don't blame usf your kid is dumb." [ laughter and applause ] and they're going to change it. yeah. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: a little
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i heard that the president of south africa just fired his finance minister, nla-nla -- slay-lay, slay-lay, slah-sla. [ laughter ] excuse me. they just fired his finance minister slah-lah. [ laughter ] >> steve: yes. >> jimmy: am i doing it right? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: the finance minister, nla-nla, nay-nay. they just fired his finance minister, nlnlnla nay-nay. i guess nay-nay was like, "you can't fire me." and the president was like, "watch me, nay-nay." [ laughter ] and it was like -- [ applause ] apparently, minister nay-nay was replaced by ministers whip and stanky leg. >> steve: really? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: stanky. i have a soft spot for stanky.
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i have a spot for stanky. >> steve: oh, yeah. you love stank. >> jimmy: he's cool. he's cool. stanky leg's with me. you guys can let him in, man. >> s sve: yeah, leave him be. >> jimmy: he's cool. >> steve: don't choke out stanky leg. >> jimmy: he's not on the list, but he can come in. thank you, come on. [ laughter ] stanky, come on. i don't know the other people, but stanky leg's cool. >> steve: thanks, man. >> jimmy: stanky leg is cool. come on, let him in. what you up to stanky? anything? >> steve: nothing much. [ laughter ] sometimes you know what i'm thinking. >> jimmy: that's cool, man. yeah. >> steve: sometimes you know what i'm thinking. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's get to some sports news here. espn showed a couple of nba games last night. and at one point the announcers cut to atlanta hawks player jeff teague on his way into the arena. take a look at this. >> fourth straight win over the mavs in the second game of our doubleheader. very low key look for jeff teague right there. >> was he picking his nose right there? >> oh. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, no. >> jimmy: now that's a pick and roll right there. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's rolling it out.
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he picked it and he rolled it. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't think that's what the coach meant when he said "you really gotta dig deep tonight." >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] no, i don't think so. and finally, this is going viral here. this is a video of a guy performing a magic trick for an orangutan at a zoo. [ laughter ] this is a video of a guy performing a magic trick for an orangutan. >> steve: sure. >> jimmy: at a zoo in barcelona. and well, check out the orangutan's reaction. [ laughter ] that's right. even orangutans will pretend to laugh to get a magician to go away. he's like, "haha, it's great." [ applause ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody!
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>> jimmy: fantastic. guys! oh. it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. he's a grammy-winning performer and an academy award-nominated actor. today, he just got nominated for a golden globe for his performance in "concussion", which hits theaters christmas day. will smith will be here! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our favorite. we love will smith. >> steve: delight. >> jimmy: he just got a a nomination today. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: "concussion." will and i are going to play a a game of catch phrase. so be sure to tune in for that. plus kirsten dunst will be here, calvin harris, and thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] that's all tomorrow night. but first, we have a fantastic show tonight. i mean, look at this guy here. he's got -- >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] he's got big-time movie star written all over him. one of the nicest guys, too.
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>> jimmy: isn't he great? from the new film "in the heart of the sea," chris hemsworth is on the show tonight. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] a big whale movie. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: looks good. ron howard. we're going to talk to chris about his new movie, then he and i are going to compete in a a special holiday race for the hemsworth cup. >> steve: ooh. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i've raced him, and i raced his brother. they beat me, and then, most recently, i beat them. >> steve: but now? >> jimmy: we'll find out tonight in the holiday race. we'll see what he's got. >> steve: see who beats who. >> jimmy: plus, he's one of the funniest comedians around, he's playing madison square garden this weekend. >> steve: i know. >> jimmy: not the theater, the actual madison square garden. he's doing standup at madison square garden. jim gaffigan is here. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's gigantic. how cool is that? >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: i wanna check that out. so, jim also brought some new toys with him that he says are guaranteed to make great holiday gifts. [ laughter ] he's gonna show them to us later in the show. so you don't want to miss that. plus, making his u.s. late
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tonight, we have music from jamie lawson, ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good stuff. guys, we have exactly seven shows left before we go on christmas break. which means it's time for that beloved "tonight show" tradition. it's time for 12 days of christmas sweaters. [ cheers and applause ] 12 days of christmas sweaters seven days left >> jimmy: that is right. every show between now and christmas, we're giving one lucky audience member a a fabulous christmas sweater -- [ cheers and applause ] -- from the countdown to christmas cabinet. since there are seven shows left, let's open door number seven. [ drum roll ] [ cheers and applause ] [ drdr roll ]
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[ cheers and applause ] whoa. wow. wow, wow, wow. very interesting there. [ laughter ] comes with gloves attached. this is a very, very warm holiday sweater. let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater. everyone, look at your seat number. [ cheers and applause ] now, if i call your number, i need you to jump up and let me know where you are. but make sure it's your number. look at your number. it has to be your number. you can't just jump up, because that's not going to happen. we've made that mistake. [ laughter ] we won't get fooled again. no. santa knows, man. santa knows what's up. santa knows. [ cheers and applause ] blue glove santa. blue glove santa. my favorite whiskey.
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all right. quest, can i get a drum roll, please? [ drum roll ] who wants me to pick their number? [ cheers and applause ] 442! [ cheers and applause ] hey, buddy. hey, how are you doing, my man? how are you? hey, how you doing? here you go. hold this. >> good, good, good. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> gunther. >> jimmy: gunther? >> yeah. >> jimmy: gunther, where are you from? >> i'm not german. >> jimmy: you're not german? >> i'm not german. >> jimmy: you got to be kidding me. i wouldn't have guessed that. yeah. [ laughter ] gunther, do you have anything like this? i mean, this is cool. >> no. >> jimmy: this is kind of generic. get rid of this. take it off, take it off, take it off. it's just, i mean, it's black, it's cool, but -- [ cheers and applause ] this might take a little bit, gunther, but -- you want to get in here. go with the green guy first. yeah, and then -- where are you from? where are you from? >> i am from new york. >> jimmy: you're from new york? >> yeah.
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so you'll definitely wear this. yeah, that works. [ laughter ] then this -- you'll definitely use this. even though it's, like, 60 degrees here tonight. >> i'll go to my holiday party with this on. >> jimmy: you got a holiday party and you'll wear this? >> yeah. >> jimmy: gunther, this is so subtle. look at you now. [ cheers and applause ] i don't mess with you now. before, i was like, oh, that's a normal -- this guy's got something special going on. >> let me zip it up. >> jimmy: hey, you zipped it up too. hey. [ cheers ] it fits perfect. look how great you look. come on. [ cheers and applause ] congrats, buddy. >> thank you. thank you so much. >> jimmy: thanks for being here. appreciate it, man. nice and soft. soft hands. gunther, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show." come on back.
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black, white, green, red, can i take my friend to bed? pink, brown, yellow, orange, bluuuuue, i love you all together now all together now all together now all together now star light star bright, the first star i see tonight i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight wishes do come true. the lincoln wish list event is on. right now get exceptional offers on the entire lincoln family. for a limited time sign and drive off in a new 2016 lincoln mkx
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the applebee's taste the change for $10 menu is here just for the holidays. with dishes like crispy chicken, brisket enchiladas, and steak in stout gravy. and everyone wants a taste. come in and taste the change for $10 before it all disappears.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. thank you for being here. this is a good, good crowd tonight. >> steve: hot crowd. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how's it feel? i appreciate it. i know. they're in the spirit. nothing like the city -- >> steve: holiday spirit. >> jimmy: -- holiday spirit. guys, it's time for "tonight show hashtags." here we go.
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hashtags hashtags >> jimmy: you guys are on twitter, right? do you use twitter? [ cheers ] it's fun. we use twitter on our show every single week, so if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag, and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since it's the holiday season and everyone is playing christmas songs, i went on twitter and i started a hashtag called #updatedxmascarols. okay? so, i asked you guys to update the lyrics of a famous christmas song to modern times. we got thousands of tweets. within 30 minutes, it was a a trending topic in the u.s. [ cheers and applause ] so, thank you for the tweets. now, i thought i'd share some of my favorite "updated christmas carol" tweets from you guys. here you go. this first tweet is from @mirandabeish. she says -- you know kendall and kylie and kourtney and khloe but do you recall the most famous kardashian of all rob. >> steve: rob. >> jimmy: rob.
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>> steve: rob kardashian. rob. >> jimmy: this one's from @farawaydeployed. his song is -- vote, he said to them trump-trump-a-trump-trump and i will build a wall trump-trump-a-trump-trump [ cheers and applause ] this thing is fantastic trump-trump-a-trump-trump it's huge it's huge [ laughter ] peace on earth [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one is from @alfadum. he says -- jingle bells uber smells why'd i get this car the driver's rude and he lost his cool when he didn't get 5 stars [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: uber. >> jimmy: you're allowed to rate them. this one is from @scottdrupe. his song is -- here comes amazon here comes amazon
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[ imitates gunshot ] >> steve: oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: an x-box. this is from @margeincharge8. she says -- on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me e. coli from chipotle [ laughter ] e. coli? >> steve: e. coli from chipotle? >> jimmy: this is from this one is from @ringmyphone. >> steve: ringmyphone. >> jimmy: his song is -- you're a bland one mr. bush you really are a bore you're as sleepy as ben carson exciting as al gore mr. bush [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: "i wouldn't vote for you if you were ahead in the polls." kids love -- >> jimmy: they love it. >> steve: they really do.
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he says -- deez nuts roasting on an open fire [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there you have it. those are our "tonight show hash tags." to check out more of our favorites go to stick around. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with chris hemsworth! deez nuts roasting on an open fire jack frost nipping at your nose [ dog barks ] [ bark ] there it is! [ gasps ] oh no! look, the sky's awake! that.
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he's also hosting "saturday night live" this weekend with musical guest chance the rapper. please give a warm holiday welcome to the very talented, the very busy chris hemsworth! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. have a seat. chris hemsworth. >> how are you? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: great to see you. thank you for being here. you're clearly not -- not liked. you're not liked by a lot of people. they don't enjoy -- they love you. [ cheers and applause ] everyone does. we got the best crowd ever. welcome. thanks for coming back to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: i hope everything is great with the family and all that stuff. look at you on the cover. that's a movie star right there. >> aw, thanks. >> jimmy: chris hemsworth. [ cheers ]
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i like down here. can we zoom in? oh, no, that's -- what's it say? happy hunk-a-days. >> happy hunk-a-days. is that what it says? >> jimmy: yeah. i think it says that. happy hunk-a-days. >> that's what it is. chucking a snowball around. >> jimmy: it is cool. >> it's what you do isn't it? >> jimmy: this is funny 'cause i love my hemsworth covers. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and this is up there. this is up there as one of my faves. >> yeah, it is. >> jimmy: also, your brother. >> oh, that one. yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, that's your brother, liam. [ cheers and applause ] liam hemsworth. oh, weird, i'm on the back, by the way. that's me on the back. [ laughter ] >> he's got a very sore chest by the way. >> jimmy: i tell you, he has a a very sore chest. tired of working out, man. the muscle issue, dude. >> the breast cupping workout. >> jimmy: no, no, it's not. here's what's cool. i think you're just proud of your brother. and he's proud of you. >> of course, he's a a sweetheart. >> jimmy: yeah, he is a nice dude. i checked out -- you got your instagram account. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. and i saw that you posted this the other day. that was nice of you to doodle all over.
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it doesn't come that way in the mail. >> well, it should. a little artistic expression. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i thought a bit of an improvement. you know, we've caught the b.f.g. now. kind of big ears. >> jimmy: i saw was like well that's a little ridiculous. i go -- i go at least he's grown-up and he won't do anything like that. >> no, he's not immature, is he? >> jimmy: no, he posted this, this morning. >> yes, he is. >> jimmy: and there you go. [ laughter ] that's what brothers do. that's what brothers do. happy hunk-a-day. >> quite a head of hair he's given me isn't it? long dreadlocks. >> jimmy: musketeer almost. like a clown -- >> looks like he's taken what's on his beard and popped it on my head. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: so, how are you doing? how's everything going? >> very well. >> jimmy: how's the fam? how's the kids? >> kids are great. i got three of them still, which is great. >> jimmy: still, which is great. >> it's hard to keep track of them, i tell you. they're going different directions. they insist on it. >> jimmy: they do, yeah. they probably won't see this movie because it's a little bit
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>> yeah, a bit scary for them. >> jimmy: just seeing the trailer, i love it. >> they watched a little bit of "thor" but not this. >> jimmy: this is based on a a true story. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and ron howard is directing. >> it's incredible. yeah, it's the true events that inspired herman melville to write "moby- dick." it's an epic sea fairing adventure, drama, action. >> jimmy: these guys are hunting for whales. and then all of a sudden you get a real whale. >> get attacked by -- >> jimmy: a giant -- >> demonic. >> jimmy: i live here. >> this is my ocean. >> jimmy: yeah, and so -- >> big sailboat and we drift for 90 days. true story too. >> jimmy: true story. >> survived in the open ocean while being stalked by this demonic super natural whale for 90 days. >> jimmy: how do you act -- how do you act -- clearly it can't be a real giant. you can't train it. >> we film it. this is a local zoo. give us a 200 foot whale. >> jimmy: 200 foot whale. who knows how to act. but, how do you act? how does ron howard -- is there a tennis ball or something? >> we had a green jet ski. cgi painted into a whale.
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around as our eye line. and we're holding up harpoons and things. and then we've got the added help, mr. ron howard whose on a a blow horn screaming, "and here he comes. and he's going left. now he's going right. he's going under the boat. quick, you're scared. you're scared. where is he? here he comes." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we good ron? >> oh, no, what's he going to do? and we got to the point it was like, you know ron, we could probably just use our imagination. >> jimmy: we don't need the jet ski and you yelling -- >> commentary, green jet ski, none of it is helping. >> jimmy: he's got the best voice. he's such a nice guy. he has a great voice. he's like yelling at you. you're very scared now. you're scared. ron, stop. stop. you have to be really afraid. >> exactly. >> jimmy: you do this thing, it's based on a true thing. everyone, you kind of have to almost had to starve yourselves. >> we did yeah. we lost a bunch of weight, probably 30 pounds or something. >> jimmy: a real picture of you
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oh my goodness. >> jimmy: what was the first thing you ate when you could eat? >> pasta, pizza, that kind of thing. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> like a food hangover from it. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah, we were told like to ease into it. don't start full. we said forget it. >> jimmy: yeah, who can do that? yeah. >> and off we went and all of us felt sick. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then got fat. >> jimmy: oh, please, come on. you're not liam. liam. yeah. you're not on the cover of "men's health." i mean you're close -- >> yeah, with the broken chest. >> jimmy: you're close with a a broken chest. we do have a clip of you from "in the heart of the sea" which opens tomorrow. go see it in 2-d. go see it in 3-d. go see it in -- >> 4-d. >> jimmy: you've heard about it. the fourth dimension is just -- if you get a chance google anywhere where they're showing the movie in the fourth dimension. it is so fun. here's chris hemsworth battling a massive angry whale. take a look at this.
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[ splashing ] >> cut the line. >> look out! >> jimmy: oh, it's big. it's exciting. [ cheers and applause ] it's action packed. "in the heart of the sea." more with chris hemsworth after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]
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if you're doing everything right but find it harder and harder to get by, you're not alone.
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almost all new income goes to the top 1%. my plan -- make wall street banks and the ultrarich pay their fair share of taxes, provide living wages for working people, ensure equal pay for women. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message because together, we can make a political revolution and create an economy and democracy that works for all and not just the powerful few. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i am back with chris hemsworth. his big new movie, "in the heart of the sea" opens
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and we're about to race for the coveted hemsworth cup right here. which i currently have in my possession. it's out of your grasp. but, look, here's the deal. >> i'll get it. i'll get it. >> jimmy: since it's the holidays. today we'll be riding these one of a kind sleigh scooters. we also have these very special santa helmets, because any opportunity to make a hemsworth brother look less attractive, we will take. chris, here's how the race will work. chris and i will head out these doors right here. we're going to say hello to santa claus. >> ho, ho, ho. >> jimmy: and we're going to make a left to go to the elevator bank and go around the christmas tree. but, remember to watch out for those two punk kids having a a snowball fight. we'll go down the hallway past the ghost of hemsworth past. that's your real headshot by the way. that's your high school headshot. >> that may be college. >> jimmy: that's your, yeah. and then you're going to go to the ghost of fallon past. and that's my high school photo there. then we'll take a turn at the carolers there.
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go go go go go go go go go, go, go go go go >> jimmy: then we're going to plow through a sudden blizzard right there. oh, scary. yeah. and drive our sleighs back into the studio. the first person to cross under the mistletoe finish line is the champion and gets their name on the hemsworth cup. i'm ready. i know. go go go go go go give it up for the ambient singers, everybody. the ambient singers. go go go go go go go go go go go yeah, all right. we heard you. we heard you. yeah, yeah. >> steve: 4-d. >> jimmy: yeah, they're in 4-d over there. oh, yeah, that's perfect. all right. are we ready for this? higgins, going to tell us when to go? [ cheers ] good luck. >> steve: three, two, one. race! [ cheers ] >> ho, ho, ho! ho, ho, ho!
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[ both laughing ] oh, my gosh. that one hit me in the face. you punk! >> steve: stop it, you punk! >> ho, ho, ho! ho, ho, ho! >> which way? >> jimmy: hey, santa! good to see you buddy. go go go go go go go go go go go go, go, go go go go >> jimmy: no, you went the wrong way. he went totally -- he really went. he went. he really did go -- [ cheers ] go go go go go go go go go go >> jimmy: what happened to him? go go go go go go go go go. have them stop singing. i can't even hear them again. turning the corner. oh, there he is turning the corner. there he is. [ sad tuba ] oh, unfortunately it was a a close race. it was a close race. >> steve: there you go.
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i remain the champion of the hemsworth cup. sorry about that. it was a tough loss for you. they kept telling you to go. it's their fault. >> they're like, "go that way." >> jimmy: don't listen to them. go go go go go go go go go >> jimmy: our thanks to chris hemsworth, everybody. don't miss chris hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. he's on it. jim gaffigan joins us after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] phil! oh no... (under his breath) hey man! hey peter. (unenthusiastic) oh... ha ha ha! joanne? is that you? it's me... you don't look a day over 70. am i right? jingle jingle. if you're peter pan, you stay young forever. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. you make me feel so young... it's what you do. you make me feel
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dunkin' donuts k-cups are available here at the grocery store. and people seem to be really excited about it. like, really excited. have a good one. new dunkin' donuts k-cup pods are here, available where you buy groceries. so sorry we have no more room at the grown-up table. get on down. there's two chairs right there. i know right? a piece of advice step up your style, it's the holidays. they look amazing. they do look much nicer than us. look how much fun they're having! what are you talking about? me? they can't hear you. janice! dave! david! tony! guys. what? there's this huge holiday sale going on at old navy. the entire store is up to 60% off. get some new clothes, bam, you're in. lets go now.
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i'll be programming at ge. oh i got a job too, at zazzies. (friends gasp) the app where you put fruit hats on animals? i love that! guys, i'll be writing code that helps machines communicate. (interrupting) i just zazzied you. (phone vibrates) look at it! (friends giggle) i can do dogs, hamsters, guinea pigs... you name it. i'm going to transform the way the world works. (proudly) i programmed that hat. and i can do casaba melons. i'll be helping turbines power cities. i put a turbine on a cat. (friends ooh and ahh) i can make hospitals run more efficiently...
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announcer: a horrific terror attack in paris. then, a brutal act of terror here at home. it's time for a tested and proven leader who won't try to contain isis. jeb bush has a plan... to destroy them. and keep america safe. jeb bush: the united states should not delay in leading a global coalition to take out isis with overwhelming force. announcer: tested and proven leadership matters. jeb bush. right to rise usa is responsible
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is one of the funniest guys around. he's an emmy and grammy-nominated comedian. he's a bestselling author, and this saturday he's performing his show "yeti in the city" at madison square garden. and it sold out. [ cheers ] everyone, please welcome jim gaffigan! [ cheers and applause ] jim gaffigan, you're looking good. >> you know, it's good to be here. i got to be honest, jimmy, it
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after chris hemsworth because i spent most of my adult life being told i look like him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know. this is surreal. i can tell by the shock on your face. >> i call him "the hems." >> jimmy: you do. you can call him "the hems." >> i shave the beard. >> jimmy: you look great. >> i wanted to see if i could get uglier. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> i think it worked. >> jimmy: no. you look fantastic. come on. >> thanks. >> jimmy: you look fantastic. congrats on selling out in madison square garden. >> thank you. that's very exciting, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what are you talking about? it's unbelievable. it's your dream. >> it's mostly my kids, mostly my kids. >> jimmy: most of your kids are going, "yeah." i'm sure everyone is stressed about holiday shopping right now, jim. jim, since you're the father of five young children, you agreed to pull together some great toy ideas for everyone on your list. these are all 100% real toys. >> that's right, jimmy. i spent the last 36 months looking at toys throughout the country. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we asked -- >> i went to, like, eight different continents. [ light laughter ] what i found are great toys for different age groups.
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>> obviously, like, what a baby is going to like is going to be different from what a grandma is going to like. >> jimmy: okay, yeah, yeah. >> so what i'd like to do is go through the different demographics, jimmy, and show you what's great. >> jimmy: what should we start with? babies? >> we'll start with babies. >> jimmy: great, love it. >> babies are hard to shop for, jimmy, because they don't speak english. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> you don't know what they want. they can't even support their heads. they're a mess. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. so this is a gift for a baby. >> what i do know about babies, they love drones. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you researched for 36 months. >> hey, audience, do babies love drones? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't think babies -- i don't think babies like drones. >> the roots agree. >> jimmy: i don't think so. >> babies love drones and thankfully in this technologically-advanced country we live in, now there are drones for babies. >> jimmy: this is exciting. >> lets take a look at some of these baby drones. [ crowd awws ] >> jimmy: okay. >> remote control. you're a baby. >> jimmy: so it's not necessarily for babies, but
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a baby would go, "ga-ga-ga-ga." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is it right here. >> and then, see? and you know what? it doesn't matter if it doesn't work because babies -- [ laughter ] [ cheers ] pretty amazing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i mean tell me a baby's not going to like that. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this is frightening. frightening. that's not a gift for an older baby. >> a toddler. >> jimmy: i think that's what they're called. >> i have toddlers. and you know what, the thing is kids, they want pets. they want a dog. they want a cat. they want a dog. and the problem with pets -- [ laughter ] the problem with pets is that they're filthy. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. >> they're filthy. they don't wear underwear, so you don't want a pet. >> jimmy: you don't want a pet. >> thankfully, with the technological advancements in our great country, they developed these. that's right. that's not a real dog, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not a tiny -- >> that's -- but, listen. listen. do you hear that? i don't know if it's making any
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then there's this. >> jimmy: was it breathing? >> look at this. this is not a real cat. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not a real cat? >> these are low-energy pets. i like to call them "coma pets." [ laughter ] but you don't have to worry about them needing to be walked. and when the battery goes out, you can just throw them away. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, that's -- what do you tell your kids when you get -- >> tell the kids the pet died. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how about preteens? >> preteens. they're a prickly bunch, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i guess so. i didn't say that, did i? >> what i know about preteens, they love the pope. [ laughter ] they love the pope. yes. if there's two things i know about preteens, they love the pope, and they love waving. here we go. we got a waving pope. [ cheers ] a waving pope.
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look, see? it's kind of moving. and see? it's solar, so it's pro-environment. >> jimmy: let me see this thing. >> and the pope is kind of waving. see, notice the pope. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. >> that's actually pope francis. >> jimmy: is he wearing a a wedding ring? is he married? [ laughter ] pope's married. >> he's waving, he's not saying, "come here." he's saying "good-bye. you're going to hell." [ laughter ] all right. so that's -- >> jimmy: preteens will love that. >> here's the other thing. jimmy, you're a dad. i'm a dad. i'm a better-looking one. but here's the thing. if you want your kids to read -- you want them to read. >> jimmy: you do. everyone wants their kids to read. >> how do you get a book in a a kid's hand? what you do is you introduce them to a really horrible book that makes all other books look great. >> jimmy: genius idea. >> so i thought this book would be great. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: i wrote that book. that's my book. i wrote that. i wrote it. >> no this book is written by jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: that's me. jimmy fallon. that's me. i wrote this one. >> yeah. yeah. that's why it's a good book.
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>> jimmy: you said it's a good book. >> don't you spell yours with a a heart over the "i-e" with a a heart over the "i"? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. only on my fan site. >> so here's the other thing. another issue parents deal with is the santa claus question. hey, spoiler alert. cover those kids' ears. some people don't know how to tell their kids santa's dead. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you talking about? no one has that problem. >> you don't want to be in trouble. you don't want your kids in therapy saying, "my dad was good-looking, but he scarred me telling me about santa being dead." >> jimmy: i won't ever say that. >> so what these snowmen do is deal with that issue. watch this. watch this. santa's dead. santa's a goner. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't like this at all. >> they're sick. they're sick. >> jimmy: i don't like -- please. >> sick. >> jimmy: thank you, jim. you can throw them -- what is this? >> this is a calzone.
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>> jimmy: that's not a toy for a child. that's not a toy at all. no, no, please. >> i love calzones. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> the one thing is, what to get that special person, someone in your life, bring back a little bit of the romance. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: chew your food. [ laughter ] >> bring back a little bit -- >> jimmy: the romance. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. is there anything -- >> jimmy: what? >> a pottery wheel. [ laughter ] there's nothing sexier than a a pottery wheel. but who has time to convert a a room or move to new mexico and buy all that blue jewelry? [ laughter ] this is a mini ceramic pottery wheel. >> jimmy: this is it right here. now, tell me -- here, let me get this. >> oh, yeah, you need a little water there? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. is that vodka? >> now watch this. you're not going to be as good as me right away. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the sound is soothing -- the sound is soothing enough.
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jimmy, can you -- [ cheers and applause ] this is fantastic. >> jimmy: thank you for all your help with holiday shopping. jim gaffigan. go to for more info on his tour! we'll be right back with a a performance from jamie lawson!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is the first artist signed by ed sheeran through his new label, gingerbread man records, and is making his u.s. -- i know, it's great. [ laughter ] he's making his u.s. late night debut with us tonight. we're honored to have you here. thank you for doing this. [ cheers and applause ] performing his single, "wasn't expecting that," off of his self-titled album, please welcome jamie lawson!
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it was only a smile but my heart it went wild i wasn't expecting that just a delicate kiss anyone could've missed i wasn't expecting that did i misread the sign your hand slipped into mine i wasn't expecting that you spent the night in my bed you woke up and you said well i wasn't expecting that i thought love wasn't meant to last i thought you were just passing through
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the nerve to ask what did i get right to deserve somebody like you i wasn't expecting that it was only a word it was almost misheard i wasn't expecting that but it came without fear a month turned into a year i wasn't expecting that i thought love wasn't meant to last honey i thought you were just passing through if i ever get the nerve to ask what did i get right to deserve somebody like you
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isn't it strange how a life can be changed in the flicker of the sweetest smile we were married in spring you know i wouldn't change a thing without that innocent kiss what a life i'd missed if you'd not took a chance on a little romance when i wasn't expecting that time doesn't take long three kids up and gone i wasn't expecting that when the nurses they came said it's come back again i wasn't expecting that then you closed your eyes
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by surprise i wasn't expecting that [ cheers and applausus] >> jimmy: beautiful. beautiful. oh, my gosh. jamie lawson! [ cheers and applause ] catch him on tour in the u.s. starting in february! my thanks to chris hemsworth, jim gaffigan, jamie lawson right here, ladies and gentlemen. fantastic, buddy. and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. kill it, man. [ cheers and applause ]
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